pierce the vale.

"In speaking of this desire for our own far-off country, which we find in ourselves even now, I feel..."

Sat, 19 May 2012 14:17:29 -0400

“

In speaking of this desire for our own far-off country, which we find in ourselves even now, I feel a certain shyness. I am almost committing an indecency. I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you - the secret which hurts so much that you take revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence; the secret which also pierces with such sweetness that when, in very intimate conversation, the mention of it becomes imminent, we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves; the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell, though we desire to do both. We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience. We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name. Our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter. Wordsworth’s expedient was to identify it with certain moments in his own past. But all this is a cheat. If Wordsworth had gone back to those moments in the past, he would not have found the thing itself, but only the reminder of it; what he remembered would turn out itself a remembering. The books or the music in which we thought beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things - the beauty, the memory of our own past - are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers.

- C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory.

”

- I’ve been criticized, and criticized myself, for being nostalgic. And fairly so, I ruminate on the past, the good I saw there, often to my detriment. But there is a feeling I have, welling up in me, an indescribable want, that I feel in the memory of my own past. It bubbles up to the surface, and I want to shout it’s name from the rooftops but nothing comes out. It remains brimming just beneath the surface; inconsolable desire. I have no desire to get rid of it either, because of the delicious anticipation that builds before a long hoped for desire is fulfilled. There is no word for what it is that I want for so desperately, which makes me trust Lewis in the matter all the more. It is a longing for something that I haven’t yet had, but see evidence of all around me. It’s funny how experience and the “beauty” which he talks about are the things that can reduce me to the happiest tears, and yet it is only a glimmer of what is to come.

Sometimes I can feel the nostalgia building even as the moment itself is happening. There may be nothing particularly incredible about the experience itself, but I just know that I will remember it in an amazing way. It’s an out of body experience, as I watch what is happening in a detached but incredibly poetic way. “What he remembered would turnout itself a remembering.” I think I experience that in real time. I am literally remembering what is happening, as it is happening. Does that sounds crazy? I think it does. It’s often painful for me to try and enjoy the experiences and time with people that I have, when I can so clearly see and physically feel it being dragged away into the elusive past the very moment it happens. The constant awareness that what has just happened will never be again.

The pain of all this used to prompt me to try and recreate moments. I would go back to place just to try and find that feeling again, only to be disappointed that it had gone, or was distorted and changed. I would sit and bask in memories, as if the memory of a good time was as pleasurable as the time itself. I found it all to be futile, a chasing after the wind. These days I try to find pleasure in this oddity of mine in knowing that God has, for some reason, given me the ability to see the tapestry He is weaving from a different and unique angle. I see it as a blessing to sometimes not be caught up in the threads, or unaware of the tapestry being weaved, but to see the snippets of conversation, the little looks people give each other, the easy laughter of a friend, even the enjoyment of a breeze or good meal, as golden threads peaking through this incredible tapestry. A tapestry we will only see realized in fullness in His kingdom.

“For now we see in a mirror darkly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”

"Evening Prayer. O Lord my God, thank you for bringing this day to a close; Thank you for giving me..."

Fri, 05 Aug 2011 02:17:02 -0400

“

Evening Prayer.

O Lord my God, thank you
for bringing this day to a close;
Thank you for giving me rest in body and soul.
Your hand has been over me
and has guarded and preserved me.
Forgive my lack of faith
and any wrong that I have done today,
and help me to forgive all who have wronged me.

Let me sleep in peace under your protection,
and keep me from all the temptations of darkness.

Into your hands I commend my loved ones
and all who dwell in this house;
I commend to you my body and soul.
O God, your holy name be praised.
Amen.

Each day tells the other
my life is but a journey
to a great and endless life.
O sweetness of eternity,
may my heart grow to love thee;
my home is not in time’s strife.

- Tersteegen, from ‘Letters & Papers From Prison’ of Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

”

- I stumbled across this tonight while flipping through this book which I have yet to read. As I read the opening line my eyes filled with tears and I started laughing; a strange reaction. It was relief and gratitude that overcame me, and had me laughing and crying all at once.

God does not test us beyond what we can bear and I think sometimes that might mean simply the day coming to a close. There is nothing left to accomplish. Today’s worries have expired and although the problems and tension might be there tomorrow, there is respite in the night. Too often I lay in bed reliving the stressful moments of the day and in fearful anticipation of tomorrow. How could I forget that it is God who brings the night, not for dark thinking, but for peace and rest. Why do I not pray and ask for my sleep to be restful, my dreams to be peaceful, my spirit to be renewed and restored? Probably because I am usually too consumed with the cares of this world. But tonight, I will pray and ask, and I will be at peace.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being..."

Fri, 01 Jul 2011 13:39:16 -0400

“

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want other to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.
There are moments most unexpectedly, when something inside me tried to assure me that I don’t really mind so much, not so very much, after all. Love is not the whole of a man’s life. I was happy before I ever met H. I’ve plenty of what are called ‘resources’. People get over these things. Come, I shan’t do so badly. One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems to be making a good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this ‘commonsense’ vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace.
On the rebound one passes into tears and pathos. Maudlin tears. I almost prefer the moments of agony. These are at least clean and honest. But the bath of self-pity, the wallow, the loathsome sticky-sweet pleasure of indulging it- that disgusts me.

-C.S Lewis, ‘A Grief Observed’.

”

"Any minute now, my ship is coming in I’ll keep checking the horizon I’ll stand on the..."

Sun, 05 Jun 2011 14:52:57 -0400

“

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
I’ll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me.

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in.
But don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin.

-Colin Hay, lyrics to ‘Waiting for my Real Life to Begin’.

”

- For most of my teenage and now adult years I’ve had a sense that I’m waiting around for my “real life to begin”. Real life starts once you - decide on a college, -decide on a major, -get a degree, - find a job, - find the right guy, etc etc. I’m starting to get the impression that this feeling that I’m waiting for, the feeling of ‘ah yes, this is what I’m supposed to be doing’ is not only elusive but impossible to attain.

A lot of changes have been made lately, all good ones…and all scary to me. It’s not surprising that these changes make me anxious but in order to explain my anxiety or unsettled feelings I’ve said to several people, “I’m just really in a transitional phase right now.”

Transitional phase. They’re words that let people know God’s working on my heart, my situation is changing and I’m slowly but surely getting adjusted to it. And the best part is that people understand it, perhaps because they too have experienced a “transition”. But I think I might be wrong to say that…and yet somehow I’m also so very right.

It’s wrong because transitional phase implies that I’ve left point A and will soon be arriving at point B. Except that in life there never is a point B. Situations, people, and places are always changing and trying to hold onto any of those is like desperately running towards a mirage, it’s just sand running through your tightly fisted fingers. Deciding on a college major doesn’t give you the “at last” feeling you’ve been looking for, or at least if it does that magical feeling only lasts a few weeks before it’s replaced with new worries and a new future to figure out. I’m now convinced that no earthbound decision that we make will lead to that wonderful point B where we are forever satisfied, assured, at peace or content.

So I’m wrong but also right, because this earth is not my final home and ultimately I will go up to that big “point B” in the sky where the concerns of the this earth fall away and there is no more tears, no more wondering if I should do this or that with my life. It is there that I will find the “ah yes, this is what I was made to do” feeling, and it will be eternally worshipping my Creator.

So my words are correct but my heart hadn’t quite caught up yet. It’s difficult to imagine a life of uncertainty, disappointed, a lifetime of never getting to hold on to the most precious people and things we love. But do I let that make me anxious and afraid, or do I look to my God, who’s promised to prepare a room for me in His house?

I’m reminded of the words to the song “Annabelle” by Gillian Welch:

‘We cannot have all things to please us, no matter how we try. Til’ we all go to Jesus, we can only wonder why.’

"No matter what changes God has wrought in you, never rely upon them, build only on a Person, the..."

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 00:06:00 -0500

“

No matter what changes God has wrought in you, never rely upon them, build only on a Person, the Lord Jesus Christ, and on the Spirit he gives.

-Oswald Chambers, from January 5th of ‘My Utmost For His Highest’.

”

- Looking back on the last five years of my life (in the literal sense of re-reading all my old journals), I was amazed by how much I’ve changed, how different the choices I would make in the face of similar circumstances. But I also saw how little I’ve changed. How I still struggle with the same sins, how I’m still confused and tormented by the same old emotions and thoughts.

But the thing I’ve learned is that God wants me to trust Him, not the changes I’ve made or my own feeble abilities. I think somewhere along the line I got the idea that God would be proud of my self sufficiency, that being able to do it on my own would bring glory and honor to God. But thats simply not true. The sacrifices of God are a broken and contrite heart. When I incline my heart to His and rely solely on His strength and wisdom, that is when I am actually honoring God with my actions. Rather than striving for the self sufficiency of adulthood in my faith, I need to return to the childlike faith and trusting in my Father.

"‘Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon..."

Thu, 23 Dec 2010 02:38:59 -0500

“‘Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.’ (Matthew 11:28-30, ESV)”

- When I look toward the coming year I feel uneasiness. Perhaps it is because my best laid plans have gone to waste. Perhaps it is because I find myself embarking on a journey entirely different than the one I had so eagerly prepared for. But I earnestly desire to be faithful and trust God in this, so I have begun a new preparation. I want to cover all my bases, pack everything I might need and more for the coming journey. But amidst all this I still feel unsure, burdened, and weighed down. Perhaps the problem is I’ve over-packed. Maybe some of the things I want to bring with me are my own earthly comforts, my own securities. I’ve got a whole lot of stuff packed that isn’t from God and it’s heavier than I can manage.

"Becoming a Person means that the individual moves toward being, knowingly and acceptingly, the..."

Sun, 14 Nov 2010 16:45:10 -0500

“

Becoming a Person means that the individual moves toward being, knowingly and acceptingly, the process which he inwardly and actually is. He moves away from being what he is not, from being a facade. He is not trying to be more than he is, with the attendant feelings of insecurity or bombastic defensiveness. He is not trying to be less than he is, with the attendant feelings of guilt or self-depreciation. He is increasingly listening to the deepest recesses of his psychological and emotional being, and finds himself increasingly willing to be, with greater accuracy and depth, that self which he most truly is.

- Carl Rogers, ‘On Becoming A Person.’

”

- I can only say that this speaks to who I am, and what my driving forces are. To me it speaks a universal truth but I’m sure thats not the case. I’m certain the motivation of others speaks to a very different goal and I wish we had more conversations about that.

"No distraction can cure boredom, just as the company so unceasingly pursued cannot stave off..."

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 14:07:42 -0400

“

No distraction can cure boredom, just as the company so unceasingly pursued cannot stave off loneliness. The bored person is lonely for himself, not, as he thinks, for others. He misses the individuality, the capacity for experience from which he is debarred. No distraction can restore it. Hence he goes unrelieved and insatiable.

-Ernest Van den Haag, quoted by Ravi Zacharias, ‘Can Man Live Without God.’

”

- Someone once told me “It’s not a sin to be alone, but it is a sin to be lonely.” At the time, I didn’t get it. In fact, I felt further alienated by the comment. My loneliness a sin, how could that be? I couldn’t help that I’d been taken away from true, good friends. I couldn’t help that I hadn’t had any luck finding new friends. I couldn’t help that the friends I did make turned out to be weirdos. None of this could be considered ‘sinful’ on my part, could it?

Now I understand the meaning. My desperation to cure my loneliness was an idol. I desired friendship and community more than I desired relationship and communion with God. I clung vociferously to any kind of company that was available, just so long as I didn’t have to feel alone. As the writer above put it, it was little more than momentary distractions, and no amount could feed the deep hunger.

Once more, in a desperate attempt to cure my loneliness, I went to the place where I had last felt like part of a community. Only this time, by the grace of God, I found no community there. Instead I was literally alone for six weeks. I hated it, I felt cheated and deserted, painfully obvious in my aloneness.

But during that time the hungry beast of loneliness was starved, and put to death. I didn’t feel victorious, but I understood what God had done. And slowly, but surely, God has provided me with true community and a sense of belonging, built now on a firm foundation.

That was long, and perhaps pointless to my reader, but I like to think about that time in my life now and then. I am still filled with so much gratitude, not only for God has given me now, but also for that blessed six weeks of necessary ‘refining through flames’.

"Trusting Him, then, requires that I leave some things to be decided by others. I must learn to..."

Sun, 18 Apr 2010 19:03:42 -0400

“

Trusting Him, then, requires that I leave some things to be decided by others. I must learn to relinquish the control I might wield over somebody else if the decision properly belongs to him. I must resist the urge to manipulate him, needle and prod and pester until he capitulates. I must trust God in him, trust God to do for both of us better than I know.

-Elisabeth Elliot, ‘Passion and Purity.’

”

- The context here is clearly about a man-woman relationship but I think it could apply elsewhere. I find I’m so often disappointed by the way people treat me, by how they live their lives, by their lack of self knowledge. I honestly don’t think it ever occurred to me to ‘trust God in them’, as Elisabeth would put it. I trust that God is working in me and that I am doing the best I can each day to walk in wisdom and righteousness. So why don’t I trust that He is doing the same for other people, or that they too, are trying their best?

I’m learning a lot about expectations, patience and more and more ways in which I must learn to trust God and show grace to others.

"Awareness of what presents itself to me involves a double movement of attention: silencing the..."

Fri, 02 Apr 2010 15:04:01 -0400

“

Awareness of what presents itself to me involves a double movement of attention: silencing the familiar and welcoming the strange. Each time I approach a strange object, person, or event, I have a tendency to let my present needs, past experience, or expectations for the future determine what I will see. If I am to appreciate the uniqueness of any datum, I must be sufficiently aware of my preconceived ideas and characteristic emotional distortions to bracket them long enough to welcome strangeness and novelty into my perceptual world. The discipline of bracketing, compensating, or silencing requires sophisticated self-knowledge and courageous honesty. Yet, without this discipline each present moment is only the repetition of something already seen or experienced. In order for genuine novelty to emerge, for the unique presence of things, persons or events to take root in me, I must undergo a decentralization of the ego.

-Sam Keen, “To A Dancing God.”

”

- I have become aware of how intricately tangled my decision making is and how many knots there are in my thinking. I’m caught up in a mess of regrets and mistaken identity (of myself and others). Determined, as I am, to know and do God’s will in my life, I find that once again I have taken control, striving to right the wrong choices of my past. I believe that God will continue to teach a lesson until we learn it. But I see how complicated I’ve made this current decision and I’m starting to think maybe I’ve been wrong about what God’s trying to teach me. I think it’s time to shed that confused and complicated past and look my life and myself with new eyes. Times have changed, I’m a different person than I was five years ago. A smart choice five years ago, or even 5 months ago, might be a foolish decision now.

"None of us could be alive to the pressing needs of today if we should carry along with us the dark..."

Thu, 01 Apr 2010 12:22:26 -0400

“

None of us could be alive to the pressing needs of today if we should carry along with us the dark heaviness of any past, whether real or imagined.

-Philip (grandfather of Elisabeth Elliot, in a letter to his wife.)

”

- The part that strikes me most about this is the that he qualifies the dark past as either “real or imagined”. I think I have a tendency to assume that at any given moment the way I’m feeling is legitimate, based on real needs, feelings and thoughts. In hindsight, however, I am often proven wrong. Only later do I realize that the decisions I made were based on strange motivations I didn’t know I had, or didn’t want to think I had. I must remain in the present, but fully aware that the past and future are dictating my decision making.

"You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,..."

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 14:57:06 -0400

“

You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

- Psalm 30: 11-12 (ESV)

”

"Blessed be the Lord, because He has heard the voice of my supplications! The Lord is my strength and..."

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 14:51:00 -0400

“

Blessed be the Lord, because He has heard the voice of my supplications! The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him.

-Psalm 28: 6-7 (NKJV)

”

- The funny outcome of this is that I have felt like I no longer know what to talk to God about. I’ve become so accustomed to struggling for trust, praying for peace, asking for mercy. I know all the verses to turn to when I am feeling broken, forsaken and anxious but I honestly couldn’t think of the proper reaction to having blessings upon blessings heaped upon me. Which isn’t to say I haven’t been grateful for the blessings of the past year, but there was always a “Thanks, but what about these other ten prayers I’d like answered!” caveat.

So this is one of the verses I came across this morning. My heart is rejoicing! I do praise Him! I want to learn to draw close to God in times of blessing. I don’t want to have to be going through a valley to feel His presence. I want God to be able to bless me, and still be working just as hard to be faithful and trusting. (For where much is given, much is required.)

"She wore her yellow sun-bonnet, She wore her greenest gown; She turned to the south wind And..."

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 00:37:00 -0500

“

She wore her yellow sun-bonnet,
She wore her greenest gown;
She turned to the south wind
And curtsied up and down.
She turned to the sunlight
And shook her yellow head,
And whispered to her neighbour:
“Winter is dead.”

-A.A Milne, ‘Daffodowndilly’, When We Were Very Young

”

- I seem to recall my sisters and I performing this for my Grandpa in Norfolk, England.

"Our modern Applied Psychologists are thus giving mankind scientific illumination in social..."

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 16:31:00 -0500

“

Our modern Applied Psychologists are thus giving mankind scientific illumination in social relationships so that people may be able to LIVE in the light of God’s wisdom. Theoretically, we should never have divorces or juvenile deliquency or strikes and lockouts or war. For psychology is the ally of morality.

…

The explosive force of Christ’s personality hit this planet over 19 centuries ago, yet it is still growing more potent each day. Atomic and Hydrogen bombs are finite. Their power is gone with a “poof”.
But Christ’s “bombshell” personality has blasted billions of tons of granite and limestone from the face of the earth. However, these fragments have not been death producing like shrapnel. Instead, they have fallen back into orderly array as tens of thousands of churches, hospitals, college buildings, YMCA, YWCA, and CYO Halls.
When teamed up with religion, psychology thus becomes the most important science of all, with the greatest hope for civilization. At our final graduation from this earth it helps us to banish O. Henry’s fear of “going home in the dark” but meanwhile it permits us to live zestful, happy and constructive lives.

-George W. Crane, PhD, ‘Psychology Applied’, 1964

”

- If this is what secular textbooks were like in 1964 then sign me up for time travel! And that was only from the introduction! To echo the writers sentiments, psychology cannot cure social ails on it’s own, but it can be an extraordinary tool when used with the power of God, to shed light on His wisdom.

"I know no prayer other than Thy will be done. -Elisabeth Elliot"

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 14:47:00 -0500

“

I know no prayer other than Thy will be done.

-Elisabeth Elliot

”

- But I’m still afraid that God will turn me over to my own sinful will. Distrust amidst trust.